I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
