I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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