I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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