He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
