My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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