I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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