I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
