Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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