you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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