i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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