you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
