I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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