you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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