I'm really into asian looking animals
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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