New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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