i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
