dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
