Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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