i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
