guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
