Betty ford says i'm here all night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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