complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
