the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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