I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
