the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Naked. naked and bneed help.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
