i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My feet surprised me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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