I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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