my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
