God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
