She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
