my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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