Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
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Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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