got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
