You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
