so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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