You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
