I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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