One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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