Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
