Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
