i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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