we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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