Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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