We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
