Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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