Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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