If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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