Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
