highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
