nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
