I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
