I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
