we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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