i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
did i just pee glitter
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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