I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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