Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
